Kelly Fingerpainting

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Movin On

Will I ever get over it? Kelly and Sabrina are now 2.5 years old and I still think back and question why? I ask myself over and over, why did Kelly have to have brain damage? Could I have done something differently? Did the doctors make the wrong decisions? Kelly was born normal but at 29 weeks and 5 days, her lungs were not ready. They told us the oxygen numbers were borderline and that she was struggling but they felt like she would be okay and they felt that entubating her at that point would be more dangerous. I think back wish that I had known that at that point, Kelly would develop CP. I really think that maybe I did not totally understand the doctors. They were speaking a different language after all. They did try to speak English to me but I have learned that it is not always perfect, no matter how fluent they are. There are things missing in the translation. Anyway, I cannot stop looking back and thinking, "why and what if." Kelly was born normal and without CP but because of struggles with breathing, no brain bleeding or anything else, she had brain damage.
Now, I know it could have been much worse, I have read stories, met mothers and other children, but Kelly was an average baby in the beginning. I was on my back in the hospital for 10 weeks. She was only 10 weeks early and her twin is perfectly normal.
My oldest daughter says I should stop looking back and look to the future and she is totally right. The problem is that as a mother, I am so frustrated because there are so many others out there that have twins and they come out normal. I cannot help to think I could have done something more. The language barrier was a big one. The main doctors spoke English but the nurses did not. I wonder often if I was asking for the right things. Anyway, like daughter one says, move on.
So, now I am looking for cures. Looking for therapy. Looking for miracles. One thing I am really interested in is stem cells. Did you know they are in breast milk? I am also a breastfeeding Mommy. We have decided to pump extra milk and give it to Kelly in a bottle, once a day. What can it hurt? I know the research out there is limited but if I have to be a brain cow for my daughter, I will do it. I do not want to look back in 10 years time and say, "Oh, I wish I had known about the stem cells in the breast milk when I could have given it to Kelly!"
I am also going to look into alternative therapies, new research and so on. I have got to insure this baby has a chance at the fullest life she can have.
Still, I know I am moving on, but, I wish there was a time machine to take me back and help me make it another day or two or week or two...maybe then we would be typical and average twins.