Kelly Fingerpainting

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Movin On

Will I ever get over it? Kelly and Sabrina are now 2.5 years old and I still think back and question why? I ask myself over and over, why did Kelly have to have brain damage? Could I have done something differently? Did the doctors make the wrong decisions? Kelly was born normal but at 29 weeks and 5 days, her lungs were not ready. They told us the oxygen numbers were borderline and that she was struggling but they felt like she would be okay and they felt that entubating her at that point would be more dangerous. I think back wish that I had known that at that point, Kelly would develop CP. I really think that maybe I did not totally understand the doctors. They were speaking a different language after all. They did try to speak English to me but I have learned that it is not always perfect, no matter how fluent they are. There are things missing in the translation. Anyway, I cannot stop looking back and thinking, "why and what if." Kelly was born normal and without CP but because of struggles with breathing, no brain bleeding or anything else, she had brain damage.
Now, I know it could have been much worse, I have read stories, met mothers and other children, but still...my Kelly was an average baby in the beginning. I was on my back in the hospital for 10 weeks. She was only 10 weeks early and her twin is perfectly normal.
My oldest daughter says I should stop looking back and look to the future and she is totally right. The problem is that as a mother, I am so frustrated because there are so many others out there that have twins and they come out normal. I cannot help to think I could have done something more. The language barrier was a big one. The main doctors spoke English but the nurses did not. I wonder often if I was asking for the right things. Anyway, like daughter one says, move on.
So, now I am looking for cures. Looking for therapy. Looking for miracles. One thing I am really interested in is stem cells. Did you know they are in breast milk? I am also a breastfeeding Mommy. We have decided to pump extra milk and give it to Kelly in a bottle, once a day. What can it hurt? I know the research out there is limited but if I have to be a brain cow for my daughter, I will do it. I do not want to look back in 10 years time and say, "Oh, I wish I had known about the stem cells in the breast milk when I could have given it to Kelly!"
I am also going to look into alternative therapies, new research and so on. I have got to insure this baby has a chance at the fullest life she can have.
Still, I know I am moving on, but, I wish there was a time machine to take me back and help me make it another day or two or week or two...maybe then we would be typical and average twins.

40 comments:

Justinich Family said...

I am also looking into new and alternative therapies for Evan. It is so frustrating that everything is so expensive. I figure I can't reverse his brain malformation but I can certainly try to increase the quality of his life.

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chen said...

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姜姜 said...

A good medicine tastes bitter. .............................................

俊達 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。..................................................

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Poverty tries friends.................................................................

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清鴻 said...

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宥妃宥妃 said...

far from eye, far from heart...................................................

宥妃宥妃 said...

人有兩眼一舌,是為了觀察倍於說話的緣故。............................................................

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Poverty tries friends.............................................................

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forgive others but not yourself...................................................

楊儀卉 said...

Practice what you preach.............................................................

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缺少智慧,就是缺少一切..................................................

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小袁璇 said...

There is no key to happiness, only a ladder..................................................................

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Learning makes a good man better and ill man worse.............................................................

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Learn wisdom by the follies of others.............................................................

宜明文潔 said...

工作,是愛的具體化~~~~努力吧!........................................

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Learning makes life sweet.......................................................................

雯陳俊 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

用行動來支持你~~~不留言不行!............................................................

316 said...

用行動來支持你~~~不留言不行!............................................................